Tuesday, January 12, 2016

100 THINGS ABOUT ME



Do I really want to do this?  I’m not sure I can think of one hundred things, interesting things about myself that is. Ava South did it and did it quite well. She issued a challenge to her readers and I love a good challenge. What follows here is not necessarily about me personally, but it’s about what I think and how I see the world around me.

01)      I’m not growing old gracefully. It’s more like stumbling into reality and falling flat on my face. It hurts like the dickens.
02)      I like being bald. The hairstyle is so easy to care for.
03)      If I had known I was going to live this long, I would have taken better care of myself. I used to believe that I’d never see forty years of age.
04)      There is no one more surprised about the knowledge I’ve acquired than myself.
05)      Sometimes, when I look in the mirror, I have a hard time accepting that the old man looking back at me is ME.
06)      The most difficult physical thing I have done lately is try to sit down in the bathtub. The next most difficult thing I’ve done is try to get back up.
07)      When it comes to what pants go with what shirt, I don’t have a clue. I always look like I got dressed in the dark.
08)      When I was sixteen I dreamed of earning one hundred dollars a week. When I was fifty and pulling in six hundred dollars a week I dreamed of earning a thousand. Now that I’m retired I’m happy with the one hundred dollars a week I earn by doing next to nothing.
09)      “The Golden Years” must have been the figment of someone’s imagination and I swallowed it hook, line and sinker.
10)      I like being thought of as a “Hillbilly”. I like to see the shocked look on people’s faces when they discover I’m not stupid, don’t wear overalls or chew tobacco, nor do I own a squirrel rifle that I carry around with me everywhere.
11)      I believe that the world would be a better place if all children were raised on a farm.
12)      To me, starting out in life poor was a good thing. It made the American Dream shine all the brighter.
13)      I think there’s something wrong with people who don’t like the smell of a puppy’s breath.
14)      I hate it when the guys I play golf with in the Senior Men’s League tell me that I’m just a kid at the age of sixty-two.
15)      Unless one is raising livestock, chickens or dogs, I don’t see the need for fences in a subdivision.
16)      In a world where children need to be trained to fear strangers, I have to ask myself what hope is their for the survival of mankind?
17)      I don’t know why I was so blessed to have someone like my wife fall in love with me.
18)      I like to visit unfamiliar, exotic places anywhere around the world; what I don’t like is the traveling required to get there.
19)      If you give me the right tools and the right replacement parts and enough time; I believe I can fix anything mechanical.
20)      I like to think I’m a good golfer and no one can prove otherwise so long as I don’t get out on the course and play.
21)      I’ve always wanted to be a Hermit or work for the government as a Forest Ranger and be posted in some remote lookout tower watching for signs of forest fires.
22)      There are few things I enjoy more than a good joke told by someone who is a good joke teller. It’s a lost art.
23)      If you tell anyone I said this, I’ll deny it, but I don’t think a movie is worth a hoot unless it makes me cry.
24)      I’m very much like a turtle. There’s a hard shell on the outside, but inside I’m soft and if I’m ever going to get anywhere, I have to stick my neck out and follow my instincts.
25)      Reading is not one of my favorite things to do. Considering that, it’s a wonder I’ve learned as much as I have.
26)      I believe I’m anti-social. I don’t care for crowds of people.
27)      I would rather write something and let others read it than be face to face and have to say it to them.
28)      I finally got that dog I’ve been wanting since I was a child.
29)      Be careful what you wish for - - You just may get it. I wished for a petite, loving lap-dog. What I got was a twenty pound plus cow of a dog that I’ve quickly learned to love more than even I ever expected.
30)      Thanks to extensive study under the teaching of some of the best in the field of napping and years of practice, I have acquired the ability to fall asleep anywhere, at any time. Zzzzzzzzzzz!
31)      (Twenty minutes later) Huh! Where was I? Oh yes – napping. I’ve fallen asleep while driving my car, walking guard duty for the Army and during some very good movies that I wanted to watch very badly.
32)      Some young, married men considered having to sleep on the couch as a form of rebuke by their upset spouse. I considered it a pleasure, a change of pace, a preview of my golden years.
33)      As hard as it is to believe; I hate amusement parks. I’ve been to a few but I seldom ride any of the rides. I like to find a shady bench and simply observe people as they walk by.
34)      Give me a moss covered fallen log in the middle of a deep woods on a crisp fall day and I’m in heaven on earth.
35)      Making friends is one of the hardest things in life for me. It seems I always find some way to turn other people off.
36)      I share all of my secrets with my pets. I know they can’t talk and won’t spill the beans. I pray they never learn how to write.
37)      I hate what they’ve done to prime time TV today. Survivor, Big Brother, etc. All the stuff that passes for reality programming. If that’s reality, I’m living in a dream world.
38)      I know just enough about computers to impress others who are novices in the field and to get myself into more trouble than I know how to fix.
39)      I am a deeply spiritual person. Since I know that many are not of the same ilk, I will only talk about it here if requested within the period of time it takes me to finish this. If you’re curious you had better hurry.
40)      I think George Carlin is a very funny man, he’s also full of IT.
41)      Lots of people want to be like Mike. I want to be like Tiger Woods – NO! Not a great golfer – RICH and POPULAR.
42)      I have eight brothers and sisters; two of one sex, five of the other sex and one who can’t make up their mind. I love them all.
43)      I would like to own a muscle car so I could burn up the back roads around here but I will settle for a new Toyota Tacoma truck with four-wheel drive and a V-6 engine. (See being careful what you wish for above.)
44)      I love to garden and I have two green thumbs but it’s so difficult to use a garden trowel without touching it with the other eight fingers of sure death to all plants.
45)      I would love to get to know all my neighbors but they simply will not come over and ring the doorbell and introduce themselves. Too Bad!
46)      I used to hunt and fish all the time and I’ve given both sports up. I wish I understood why.
47)      I created and printed out a sheet of new business cards the other day. It reads “Insights and Inspirations – Words are my business.”  I did it so I would have something to give people who ask what I am doing with my time since I’ve retired. It has all the URL’s to my various on-line websites. Right now it feels like I’ve gone out of business. I think I will have a SALE.
48)      During my youth I spent the majority of my summer days in and around swimming pools. My wife doesn’t like to swim. I haven’t been in a pool for over thirty-one years. Make of that what you will.
49)      I have smoked cigarettes for more than 47 years. I can’t seem to write a word if a lit one isn’t in the ashtray. I keep them and my combivent inhaler close by at all times. That speaks volumes about me I think. What are you hearing?
50)      My parents taught me “If you can’t say something good about someone – don’t say anything at all.” Have you noticed that I haven’t said a word about you?

51)      I don’t like to read newspapers.

52)      I honestly believe that there are certain people alive in the world today who (as my dear old Dad used to say) need killing.

53)      I wish there was such a thing as a GOOD NEWS Newspaper. Okay! So it would only be printed about once a month because of lack of materials to write about but that’s as much reading as I could stand anyway.

54)      The only time I watch the news on TV is when it is forced upon me. Let’s say the wife comes into the room where I do all my writing, turns on the TV and selects a news program. I can’t help but listen and find it very distracting. I also hate it when she say’s “Honey! LOOK!”

55)      I don’t agree with that survey they did recently, in which they tried to find the funniest joke in the world. I’ve heard much funnier jokes than that.

56)      I know; you are saying to yourself “What was the joke?” Tell us so we can decide for ourselves if it is the funniest joke in the world. This was the winner. Two sportsmen are out hunting. One of them falls to the ground holding his chest as if he is having a heart attack. The other hunter, who happened to be carrying a cellphone with him, dialed 911. When an EMT answered the call, the hunter explained that he believes his buddy has had a heart attack and is dead. The EMT on duty said “Sir! Calm down, I can help you but first we need to make sure that he is dead.” There is a period of silence and then the EMT heard a gunshot. The hunter comes back on the line and says, “Okay! Now what?” So...What do you think?

57)      I’ve been married three times. Did you already know that? Sorry!

58)      I like to cook. Surprised?

59)      I don’t like seafood. There are no oceans where I come from.

60)      I can take kids or I can leave them but I have to take them somewhere far away before I can leave them and not worry about them finding their way back.

61)      I found out the hard way that it’s not a good thing to ask the cop who just pulled you over if he wants to look in your trunk.

62)      All but one of my children have disowned me. Man! I hate when that happens.

63)      I like to commit random acts of kindness. It keeps people on their toes. They can’t help but wonder what I’m up to.

64)      I would like to know what happened to Bill, the neighbor who lives to the right of us. I haven’t seen or heard him in months. His wife and children are out and about at times but no sign of him. I’m beginning to suspect foul play. The grass is as high as an Elephant’s eye and no one seems to be concerned about it.

65)      I am one sixteenth Native American. I’ve tried to remember what the other fifteen sixteenths are but can’t seem to do it.

66)      I know that my family name is Irish in origin.

67)      I also have two children with red hair and freckles who love potatoes.

68)      I tend to laugh a lot when I am nervous. That behavior has gotten me into trouble many times. Think about it.

69)      I used to have a talking dog but I sold him. He was such a big liar. You couldn’t believe a thing he said.

70)      I am prone to road rage. Even I don’t like me when I am behind the wheel of a car. I’ve been known to do some very stupid things.

71)      I am not a multi-tasker. I have to pull off to the side of the road to blow the horn. I can’t walk and chew chewing gum at the same time.

72)      I love popsicles. They are simple, cheap and tasty. I usually go through a twenty-four pack in about a week.

73)      I don’t have many vices but the few I do have are all mine and you can’t have them. I know that’s selfish but I can’t help it.

74)      There are few things I like more than a piece of garlic bologna on a single slice of bread with a little miracle whip. It’s one of my new pup’s favorites too. She has gotten to the point of checking my breath periodically just to make sure I haven’t been cheating on her and having one without sharing it with her.

75)      I want to know! Is there anything more disgusting than the feel of warm dog feces in the palm of one’s hand when there is nothing more than a thin plastic baggie between the hand and it?

76)      I recently designed and printed out what I refer to as “Business Cards” that I can pass out to people who might be interested in visiting my various websites. At the top is printed “Insights and Inspirations.”  I wonder; does this project I’m working on right now qualify as either one?

77)      I have given away most of my hunting rifles and shotguns. I have also given away all but one or two of my fishing poles. I hunted and fished for most of my life. I read somewhere that giving away one’s cherished possessions is often a sign that one is on the verge of committing suicide. Now you know why I don’t like to read very much.

78)      I do not like to read the rants of other writers and I like it even less when I write a rant and force it upon others.

79)      I like to play golf with people who are better golfers than myself. I like to have discussions with people who are much more intelligent than me. I also like to hang around good looking men and women. What do you suppose I think of my personal appearance? 

80)      I have found out the perfect way to discourage phone solicitors who call at dinner time. As soon as you know who they are, just say “Please hold on for a minute” and lay the phone down and go back to eating your dinner.

81)      My favorite TV sitcom is Everybody loves Raymond.

82)      The other day, while playing a round of golf, I hit a bad shot and said, “Damn it!”  Am I going to hell? If you think I am, please keep it to yourself. Allow me to die with this false sense of security.

83)      I have no idea what a Muffler Bearing is. Or for that matter, what a windshield wiper on a Goose’s behind is. My Dad acted like he knew but wouldn’t tell me.

84)      I also wonder why they give names to hurricanes. They don’t name tornadoes. 

85)      I can play the harmonica. Isn’t that impressive? I own nine of them but I only have one mouth.

86)      While I was sitting here writing this, I missed tonight’s episode of a rerun of Everybody Loves Raymond. EGAD!

87)      I honestly believe that I’m getting senile. I think it is time to start sewing my name and address and telephone number into all my clothes.

88)      I don’t think the last great, unexplored frontier is outer space or the vast oceans. I think it is the human imagination.

89)      I wrote a short story for children a long time ago. Few people know this; but it was used as the basis for a Church Youth program, stage play. Is it okay if I feel a sense of pride in such a small accomplishment?

90)      I was raised on pinto beans and fried potatoes. To this very day, that is one of my favorite meals. Wouldn’t you think I would have gotten tired of them by now?

91)      When I was very young, there was only a few vegetables that I liked the taste of. Today there aren’t very many vegetables that I don’t like the taste of. Do those last two sentences have dangling participles? I never did learn what they were.

92)      I ran into a man Thursday who guessed that I did a lot of writing. When I asked him how he knew, he replied “Because you seem to have a very extensive vocabulary.”  His name is Carl. Thanks Carl.

93)      I really do wish I had paid more attention in English class. I also wish I had bothered to get some formal education in the art of writing. Has there ever been a blind painter?

94)      I have a congenital spinal defect that has been exacerbated by arthritis. It has been one heavy cross to bear for the last six years. I have come to believe that there is a positive side to human suffering. I can’t hardly wait to find out what the positive affect of my suffering is.

95)      I know there are people living in the world today who are in much worse pain than myself. They have my deepest empathy and sympathy. I would have pity on them but they probably wouldn’t want it. I know I don’t want yours.

96)      I could finish out this project simply complaining about all my aches and pains but I don’t think you would enjoy reading about it too much.

97)      Today I got outside and trimmed up the hedges under the picture window out front. During the process I came across a Praying Mantis making her nest. I skipped that area until she was finished and then I made sure that I didn’t cut off the branch she had mounted it on. At the time I thought I was doing the right thing. I doubt that some other insects would appreciate it if they knew what I did. Don’t anyone tell on me.

98)      I don’t know what’s gotten into me. I’m getting much too mellow in my old age.

99)      It has taken me a long time to learn about the joy that results from giving to others who are in need.

100)  I honestly didn’t think I would ever get here, but here I am.


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